This piece is a column I sold to Cracked that never ran because it was too hot, and also because of boring technical reasons. Enjoy!
If you’re at all familiar with erotic dating video games, you’d probably assume that they’re designed for lonely young men. And, well, you’d be right. But a significant subsection of them are meant for lonely young women, because people of both genders are willing to settle on pretend genitals when no real ones are available. And so, in the interest of what I swear is journalism and not the fulfillment of a weird fetish, I played through several erotic games marketed to teenage girls. Go ahead and place a bet on how many erections I got.
4. Amy’s Fantasies
Amy’s Fantasies stars a high school student named Emi (don’t ask), and co-stars her ridiculous 90s anime hair. You’re forced to make hard hitting decisions right off the bat.
I think it’s obvious which a girl would do, am I right, men? God, I’m so lonely.
Emi, who’s about to turn 18, has a serious crush on her stepbrother. Unfortunately, so does another student with even more ridiculous hair.
Every student that sits behind her is failing.
This is the object of our mutual affection:
“Because I’ve got a bigger one for you RIGHT HERE” he didn’t say next, surprisingly.
I swear he’s also about to turn 18 and I’m not virtually seducing a 12 year old. Because they live alone together (their parents are dead, bom chicka wah wah) her constant fantasies are a recipe for sexy disaster. For example, he walks in on her masturbating to a photo of him. Rookie mistake, Emi.
The next morning we stumble across this:
I’m like 70% sure no girl has ever said that.
That whore. Emi is jealous, and things only get worse when my dad’s former lover shows up with a deed to all his stuff, which she seems to think includes my vagina until Tomomi stops her from molesting me. The principal is willing to let us continue attending school despite the fact that we can no longer pay tuition, because she’s come up with an… alternative payment system. You could even say she’s going to… make Emi have sex with her. Sorry, I’m bad at subtlety.
This is actually how a lot of students pay for school these days.
Hitomi immediately offers us comfort sex, turning her into the ultimate frenemy. Then we learn she’s the head of an after school BDSM club where she parades the principal around on a dog leash as punishment for her exploitation of me. But I’m going to skip past all of that, because this is the sort of game where after school student/teacher kinkfests are only, like, the 12th weirdest thing going on. Tomomi has gone missing, and I need to save him. The fuck club is impressed by my resolve.
Tomomi is doing work for a sketchy hospital director to help settle the family debt. I get a job as a nurse and meet a boy who looks and sounds exactly like him, yet doesn’t recognise me. Shit just got mysterious. Naturally, I’m assigned to the hospital’s anus division. What’s that, you ask?
All my fellow employees and some of the patients have sex with me, but in-between weird butt stuff I learn that the lookalike boy’s father is… my dead dad. This is turning out to be like an M. Night Shyamalan movie with rimjobs. Stuart Diddle.
The hospital also has a secretive BDSM club, because in the dating game world one of those automatically forms whenever you gather more than three people together under the same roof. During one of their meetings I bone my biological brother from another mother, and the sex is so great he suddenly remembers where brother number one might be. But before he can tell me more, another patient murders him in a jealous rage.
No! The brother I didn’t know I had, and the sex partner I didn’t know I wanted, gone before my eyes. Good night, sweet manwhore. That brings us to the game’s third act, where I infiltrate the hospital director’s house as a maid. Sexy maids and nurses—truly, the creativity of the video game world knows no bounds. So anyway, sex, bondage orgies, yadda yadda.
You know the drill.
We finally manage to track down Tomomi, and we learn that he inherited a seductive biological superpower that makes women magically want him. This supposedly explains most of the plot, although to be honest I’m still not entirely sure what the hell is going on because this game was translated from Japanese to English by someone who speaks neither. What’s important is that I finally confess my love to my step-brother.
Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye.
We have hate sex with everyone else in the mansion before somehow burning it down during our escape.
“Didn’t I teach you to put on pants before leaving the house?”
We live happily ever after, because deep down every woman just wants her sex mutant step-brother’s love, no matter how many corrupt bondage hospital directors stand in their way. Or something like that, I don’t know. To be honest I was mostly focusing on my masturbation.
3. Enzai – Falsely Accused
If there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that nothing gets them going quite like Napoleonic era prison abuse. Hence the premise of Enzai – Falsely Accused, where a petty thief named Guys is railroaded for murder, and yes, that absolutely is a double entendre.
They’re sexy AND brooding. I’m not even a woman and I’m turned on.
Most erotic games for women actually revolve around cute guys going through personal drama, comforting each other, and then banging repeatedly. The majority are relatively tame… and then there’s Enzai, because some women are secretly into dark, dark shit.
These are also the tags from my online dating profile.
Guys may be busy trying to prove his innocence from within a corrupt system while struggling to stay alive and not succumb to horrific physical abuse and mental trauma… but that doesn’t mean he won’t have time for love. Will I be able to save Guys’ life, or at least get him some consensual dicking?
My time in prison begins with a medical inspection set to a track that could double as Emperor Palpatine’s theme music. I can tell right away that I’m going to get like eight kinds of molested.
That’s Durer, who beats the shit out of me before giving me a welcome to prison rimjob. Then I meet a hot badass named Jose, and the “You Gonna Get It” music immediately starts up again. Ladies, I hate to disappoint you, but pop culture has given you a very, very inaccurate view of how prisons work. I also find it exceedingly unlikely that Napoleonic prisoners waxed their crotches. Or were named Jose.
Guys, by the way, is awfully nonchalant about the whole “I just got raped twice in the span of an hour” thing, probably to keep the game from becoming indescribably depressing. On that note, Durer casually threatens to murder me unless I pee for him.
How did that man even get this job?
Let’s focus on the plot now, because otherwise I’m basically summarising a snuff film for a comedy site. In-between all the awful abuse I convince my sexy lawyer, Lusca, to work hard to prove my innocence while the sexy detective that arrested me, Guildias, shows up to torture me because he’s just terrible at his job. Also, Durer drops by to pee on me. That man sure likes his urination.
Spoilers: it’s not lemonade.
My lawyer learns that the man I was accused of killing was a detective. Well, isn’t that a shirtless, muscular coincidence? Incensed by the thought of an innocent boy going free, Guildias comes back to remind us of the game’s true purpose: extremely uncomfortable eroticism.
Seriously, ladies, what the hell is wrong with you? Guys is like 14.
Jumping past the scene where I get wine poured up my ass, Lusca manages to track down witnesses to testify on my behalf at a re-trial. Finally, after all the pain and suffering Guys and I have gone through, the time for justice has come. After Lusca and I get into the legal mood with some pre-trial mutual masturbation (the Napoleonic code was weird), the big moment comes, pun… kind of intended? I don’t even know anymore.
Tense, dramatic music plays. Lusca is on top of his game, a cold-blooded lawyer through and through. He makes powerful, convincing arguments, and after a long and suspenseful trial, the judge declares me… still guilty. What the fuck?
I go back to jail, where Guildias literally licks my tears. Then I get shot while trying to escape in desperation, and the game ends with my dying dreams of a life that could have been. What the fuck?!
“All that I see / Absolute prison rape.”
To be fair, this was just one of 11 endings. Other possibilities included proving my innocence, somehow proving everyone’s innocence, and falling in love with one of my many rapists. I could have even gotten the true murderer (Guildias) arrested.
So, not only did I just waste several hours of my life playing a women’s erotic male rape game, but I wasn’t any good at it. That thunderclap you thought you just heard was actually my profanity echoing across the sky.
2. Absolute Obedience
Set in West Germany in roughly the 1960s, Absolute Obedience stars two soldiers, Louise Hardwich and Kia WelBehenna, who bond over their mutual hatred of their parents for giving them those names. In their spare time, the pair run an agency to help jilted lovers get vengeance. It’s like revenge porn, but wackier. But as they seduce their way across Germany, could it turn out that their real romantic targets are… each other?
But let’s not reach the climax prematurely. Simply installing the game left me unsettled.
Luckily, the most effective form of contraception is telling people you play these dumb things.
First I have to choose my character. I went with Kia, because he always carry a gun and a German Shepard. Literally—the man doesn’t seem to understand how dogs work.
Also, his default pose is “blowjob proposition.”
Here’s my first assignment. It sounds like a tough one:
Ah, the classic “murder revenge via surprise sodomy” scheme.
Kia can barely contain his “raging boner” of enthusiasm (his words, not mine). He’s certainly a hard worker, if you know what I mean. Careful research leads him to what he believes will be the scene of the next robbery, and sure enough, he finds the thief. I confront him and immediately use the ol’ “rip his shirt off” fight tactic. What’s my next move?
I almost seduce Silvio into submission, but his butler appears out of nowhere to cock and justice block me, like a sexier Alfred Pennyworth. Silvio leaves me with nothing but a calling card to remember him by, a piece of paper with the simple, elegant message of “Dumbass!” written on it. Holmes and Moriarty this ain’t.
My first case ended in failure, and I didn’t even get any action. Let’s see if I have better luck as Louise. Our assistant, Gallacher, informs me that we have a new case.
Laugh all you want, but you would totally take him as your assistant.
My client is a British spy who wants revenge against a KGB operative who seduced him. I’m not supposed to kill him, just make him “go crazy with lust for another man.” Hey, if I can do it in real life, how hard can it be to replicate in a video game?
I track the target, Zhores, to his cover job at a library. We’re both suspicious of each other, but we play a tomcat and mouse game over a story of Louise looking for books on Russian history. We exchange secret glances and words full of hidden meanings—all the staples of spycraft. Then I basically just yell, “Hey spy guy, why are you such a spy?” and kiss him out of the blue, because Louise is dumb.
Next, I kidnap Zhores and take him to dinner at a fancy hotel restaurant. We’re joined by the British spy, who looks like he’s 16. This is starting to turn into a John le Carré porn parody.
The Spy Who Came in the Cold.
The two spies maintain their stories and pretend not to know each other, so it’s up to me to get this sexy party started. After some innocent dinner conversation, I take Zhores up to a suite. This time it’s Reiner’s turn to murder the concept of subtlety.
The ensuring sex isn’t exactly what one would call consensual, but that’s what Zhores gets for being a communist. And don’t worry, because like everyone else in the porno game world he ends up being way into it.
Is… is that a stereotype?
We then cut to Louise and Zhores at a concert together. Ah, that awkward first post-threesome rape date. Louise catches Zhores making an exchange with another spy, and decides to punish him with some more boning. But the taxi driver taking us to the hotel has other plans, and tries to shoot Zhores. Zhores is quicker and unloads on his face. I’m talking about guns here, to be clear. Zhores then takes the wheel to prevent a crash, and this expert display of reflexes only makes Louise’s dick harder.
“Also, I’m kind of tired of you molesting me.”
But Louise is smitten, and insists on protecting Zhores. So together we team up to, uh, deliver intelligence to the Soviet Union. Hooray?
More men come after them, and not in the sense that they like. But we manage to blow up their car and escape to the hotel for some celebratory sex. Afterwards, Louise leaves Zhores with some parting advice.
Mission accomplished. That’s how it’s done, Kia, you idiot! This is just one of many insane assignments, but we’ll leave the story of “The High-Class Prostitute’s Prank” and “The Devilish Little Gigolo” for another day.
1. Togainu no Chi
Ladies, did you enjoy the Hunger Games but found yourself wishing that Katniss was replaced with a bunch of dudes just simmering with sexual tension? Then let’s play Togainu no Chi and make that premise boil over. No need to thank me, or ever contact me in any way.
Togainwhatever is set in a post-World War III Tokyo, where a gang has made the ruins the home of an elaborate combat game. Our hero, Akira, is falsely accused of a crime (false criminal charges are Japan’s pizza deliveryman with an extra-large sausage), but is offered freedom if he’ll go kick the ass of the gang’s leader.
“You’ll leave immediately. Put this boy band outfit on.”
Akira, the one being given the Bodyguard treatment, doesn’t look like he could beat up the child laborers who made his skinny jeans, let alone an elite warrior. But Japan is a mysterious land, where up is down and effeminate frailty is strength. One thing’s for sure—this is the manliest women’s gay porn I’ve ever seen. Just check out the rocking, balls to the wall intro:
The game’s opening scenes go to great lengths to establish that Akira is a bonafide badass, a champion street fighter who’s also philosophical and aloof and thinks that emotions and friends are for chumps. He’s so complicated.
A couple cops then arrest me without any difficulty whatsoever. Woman Who Will Obviously Betray Me and her sidekick, Evil Phoenix Wright, come bail me out.
You can tell she’s bad because ew, girls!
I need to beat five people to get a shot at the champ. The first thing I see in the city is two dudes boning, which sets off dramatic music and shocks Akira. Is this a gay porn game for homophobes?
Akira muses on the horrors of necrophilia, and wonders if sex is one of this battle game’s many weapons, which I believe is called “foreshadowing.” He’s interrupted by the revelation that my childhood associate and gigantic wimp, Keisuke, decided to follow me.
I give him about eight seconds of survival time.
I tell him to stick around anyway in case it leads to sexy times. The next morning we meet the happy-go-lucky Rin, because apparently even post-apocalyptic ruins need Manic Pixie Dream Girls.
Oops, never mind.
With an idiot and a twink in tow, I meet a dude who attacks me. Between his effeminate looks and his massive, impractical sword, I’m clearly outmatched. I escape, but I’m immediately attacked by a would-be rapist who I only manage to defeat because he abruptly has a seizure. My benefactors clearly picked the best man for the job! Also, I’ve met like 10 dudes and not one of them has shown me his penis. What kind of porno game is this?
I vent all of my stress on Keisuke. He runs off into the night in tears, because he’s an idiot and Akira’s a terrible person. At this point it’s obvious to everyone except Akira that Keisuke is hot for his bod, which might be cute if his love wasn’t “follow you unarmed into a warzone to endanger both of our lives” level of obsessive.
In my search for Keisuke I come across this charming scene:
I’m then attacked by a guy who’s hopped up on future drugs. He has an important question for me. Thankfully, this guy also has a seizure, and my life is again spared. I’m starting to suspect that this is an elaborate anti-drug PSA for sexually frustrated girls. But my brush with death makes me realise just what a good friend Keisuke has been all these years. I soon find him, but he’s gone crazy… with love. And drugs. Lotta drugs.
It turns out that he’s responsible for the bloodbath we saw earlier. I have no choice but to fight him. I lose and he, uh, rapes me with a screwdriver. But skip ahead and we fight again, and this time…
Keisuke rips out my intestines and erotically caresses them. The last thing I hear as I die is “I love you…” I think I speak for all of us when I say, what in the motherfucking shit fuck?!
I somehow managed to get another terrible ending, because of course I did. It’s not like there weren’t better options. I could have subdued Keisuke and lovingly nursed him back to sanity. I could have had an inappropriate romance with the kid. I could have even ended up as second in command of a tyrannical dictatorship, somehow. But nooooo. I had to get my guts ripped out on the sidewalk. I didn’t even get laid!
To be fair, the sex is secondary in Togainu no Surprise Evisceration.There are entire characters and plots I skipped over, like this strapping young man.
That’s Kau. Aren’t you sorry we missed him?
Maybe I was wrong, and fans of this genre just like the stories. Maybe the girls who play these games aren’t into all sorts of sick, sadistic shit.
Just kidding, they’re totally a bunch of pervs.