Applebee’s remains committed to Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood during these challenging times, even when that neighborhood is being decimated by the actions of people whose desire to spend 24 dollars on overcooked chicken tenders outweighs their empathy for other human beings. But a surge in COVID cases is no excuse to ignore your surging hunger, so we’re re-open for business! We’ve just made a few slight changes for your safety and convenience.
-Every single Applebee’s employee will wear a mask, unless they’ve grown tired of being called a coward by the very customers they’re trying to protect from a lonesome and agonising death. But this exhaustion is unlikely to set in before noon, so come in early to catch our incredible brunch specials!
-Strict cleaning and disinfecting protocols have been put in place. You can rest easy knowing that the employees we’re not bumping above minimum wage are definitely following them!
-To ensure social distancing, a reduced number of guests will be allowed in our waiting area. When this rule is inevitably broken by a lunatic whose unhinged ravings will go viral on social media, our most photogenic employees will be sent to intervene using the knowledge they acquired from their mandatory viewing of a conflict de-escalation YouTube video.
-To further adhere to social distancing measures, our dining room will have reduced seating. All patrons will have plenty of space until everyone tries to simultaneously cram into the tiny bathroom.
-Portions of our television screens will be strategically obscured to disguise the fact that the football you’re watching is at least seven-years-old. Come catch what might be a big game!
-Contactless payment options will be available at several locations. If contactless payment is not available, every precaution taken before the end of your meal will have been an absurd waste. Will your location be included? Talk about suspense!
-Hand sanitizer will be available at the entrance for you to watch people ignore, then forget to use yourself.
-The Applebee’s Zesty Memorial Wall has been installed next to the painting of a motorcycle jumping a plate of ravioli. Ask your server if any of their colleagues or family members gave their lives for Applebee’s, or reserve your own spot while there’s still room!
-For your comfort, any discussion of reopened restaurants being linked to COVID outbreaks is strictly prohibited.
Dining at Applebee’s isn’t all haunting reminders of the lengths you’re going to deny reality. We also have new menu items!
American Hero Sticks – What’s crispy on the outside and patriotic on the inside? Our hastily re-branded mozzarella sticks! In a tribute to everyday Americans, a small portion of each sale will go to an ineffectual charity for the essential workers that your decision to dine here has helped imperil. The Applebee’s corporate board is cheering these hard workers on from the comfort of their homes!
Spiked Lemonade – Get it? Anyway, it costs double what it used to.
The Masque of Red Russet Potato Poutine – It will hold illimitable dominion over your taste buds!
Applebee’s Signature Riblets – We’re bringing our beloved classic back to make the ongoing indictment of American society a little tastier! Four diners who refuse to wear a mask will cough towards the plate before it reaches your table. If you challenge their behavior, they will misquote Thomas Paine, attempt to lick you, then ask if you’ve been “triggered.” Available in mesquite barbeque or honey garlic!
Quadruple Chocolate Fudgesplosion – Because if you’re going to take your life in your hands to eat at a goddamn Applebee’s, you might as well give it a good, hard squeeze.
All New Children’s Menu – Jesus Christ, are you for real? You brought your kids to this clusterfuck? Well, we guess we can whip up a grilled cheese.
We look forward to offering you all of these exciting new features until we’re forced to shut down again five days from now!