No good references on your resume? Most homeless people will lie for you if you promise them cash or drugs!
Trying to trim your food budget while unemployed? Stealing from grocery stores can save you tons of money.
Are all of your computer and television cords getting tangled up? Organise some of that clutter and save on another bill by stealing your neighbour’s cable and wi-fi!
Does your roommate have nice stuff that you can’t afford anymore? Does he lord it over you while lecturing you on the immortality of theft? Kill him and take all his shit!
In a rush to dispose of a body? Illegal immigrants will dig holes for you without asking questions!
Need cash fast to pay a legal bill? Stick a shotgun in a convenience store employee’s face and they’ll give you hundreds of dollars for minutes of work!
Are shotguns illegal where you live? Just tie several pistols together and put all the triggers on a string!
Do the police want to search your home? Faking a heart attack and an inability to speak English will distract them!
Does it look like the jury is against you? You’d be surprised by how far a little bribe can go!
Not a fan of prison bathrooms? If nobody’s looking you can pee anywhere.