My Contact Information

To reach me by email, send a message to

To reach me by phone or text message, get to know me a little and I’ll give you my number.

To reach me by physical mail, email, phone or text me for my address. After mailing your letter, email, phone or text me a reminder to check my mailbox, along with a valid explanation as to why you’re using the postal system instead of email, phone or text. Any explanation containing the words “old-fashioned,” “quaint” or “personal” is not valid.

To reach me by fax, buy me a fax machine. If your first fax does not justify the usage of this medium instead of email, I will return the fax machine and spend the money on alcohol.

To reach me by smoke signal, find an elevated clearing with a nearby supply of wood that’s visible from my home. Be aware that if you are reported to the fire department, I will claim to not know you.

To reach me by telegram, steal telegram machines from a museum, learn Morse code and teach it to me, and grow an old-timey mustache suitable for a telegram operator.

To reach me by singing telegram, be prepared to receive a reply in the form of emotional and physical abuse.

To reach me by candygram, be aware that I prefer dark chocolate and/or caramel corn. While I still appreciate receiving other kinds of candygrams, I will not send a reply.

To reach me by messenger pigeon, purchase and train a messenger pigeon. Please note that in order to maintain effective two way communication, you will need to keep the pigeon’s nest at your home while feeding it at my home, or vice versa. You will be responsible for caring for the pigeon.

To reach me emotionally, become my close friend by bonding with me through common interests and shared experiences. After many years of adventure, stimulating conversation and good old fashioned hanging out, remind me of a distant but stirring memory of our friendship. This memory should involve either a wacky mishap, to make me reflect on my youth, a brush with death, to make me realise how important you are to me, or a time when I confessed something deeply personal to you, to show me how trustworthy you’ve been. A single, manly tear will roll down my cheek as I think about how valuable your friendship is, and our kinship will become even stronger.

To reach me physically, make out with me.

2 thoughts on “My Contact Information

  1. Anonymous

    You’re really funny. I laughed at the Post-Apocalyptic dating profile a lot.
    I probably should just have commented on that one.
    You should post things more often.