Much has been made about America’s growing wealth gap, and about how the lives of countless people could be improved by even modest concessions from ultra-wealthy tycoons with more money than a single human being could ever need. While these arguments elicit strong emotions, they have failed to sway me, a 47-year-old man with crushing debt who is slowly destroying my body while being squeezed out of the middle class by a low-paying, dehumanising job where I could be replaced at a moment’s whim, because I am firmly convinced that I’m one big break away from becoming a billionaire. And, when I inevitably get that break, I don’t want whiners trying to enact changes that would force me to only have two private art galleries in my home when I could have three.
Have all of you ingrates considered the fact that people like Jeff Bezos earned their money, just like I definitely eventually will? Why should he waste the wealth that he worked for installing air conditioners in his warehouses, when he could enjoy the fruits of his labour by letting workers overheat and collapse? Instead of complaining, those workers should be developing plans to start their own businesses, just like I do when I’m not working double shifts to scrape together just enough money for my bills, raising my children, managing my fantasy football and baseball teams, taking Netflix breaks with my two roommates, and leaving hundreds of comments on news articles explaining how small-minded people like you don’t sufficiently appreciate the one percent’s contributions to society. It’s called good old-fashioned hard work, which I have already been doing for decades while making almost nothing of my life, but am positive I will do in the future in some unspecified way that will make me much, much more money. I also buy a lot of lottery tickets.
What’s great about America is that literally everyone can potentially get so rich that they can rise above the petty problems like “having no retirement savings” and “being destroyed by an unexpected medical bill” that plague lazy people. All they need is an ingenious idea and the drive to do something with it. Take me, for example. I plan to start a business that does something with blockchain, once I research what that is by somehow tripling my free time while also making no adjustments to my lifestyle. If everyone put the energy they spend complaining into working on great ideas like mine, we could all get lucky, beat the incredibly long and ever worsening odds, and become so absurdly wealthy that we become out of touch with our fellow human beings. While many of my simple-minded colleagues are ungrateful about practically being gifted wages that almost let them pay rent, I understand that the American Dream is all about scraping by in the hopes of one day being able to view everyone but yourself as disposable sacks of meat to be ground up in the cogs of your empire. I plan to own eight mansions, because I know I will have time to enjoy all of them.
Unlike my peers, I understand how the free market works, which is why I dislike unions, minimum wage increases, and other worker-friendly policies. Why should I support laws that would help me in the present when they would hurt me in the future that I am 100% confident I will have despite the clear track record that is my entire adult life? It’s all about having a positive attitude, which so many uninspired Americans lack. I may have worked nothing but jobs that my doctor tells me are prematurely killing me, but eventually I won’t even though nothing about my circumstances, opportunities and personality has ever changed or will change. When my belief in myself and the system causes changes to magically happen anyway, and I’m relaxing in one of my twelve hard-earned pools, I hope you’ll remember the life lessons I tried to impart on you.