Headlines Journalists Will Use Now That Snowstorms Have Been Given Official Names

Snowstorms now have an official nomenclature, similar to how cyclones are named. It is therefore inevitable that the media will produce dreadful headlines when these storms hit. If any of the following are used, I vow to pelt the offending journalist with snowballs until they apologise.

This Athena’s No Beauty!

Et Tu, Brutus?

Snow Caesar!

Draco Wizards Up a Storm!

Euclid Creates non-Euclidean Roads

Let’s Hope For Less Freyr Weather!

Gandolf to Commuters: You Shall Not Pass!1

Helen: The Storm That Launched a Thousand Traffic Accidents

Iago Demands you Shovel

By Jove!

The Wrath of Khan

You’d Have to be a Luna-tic to Go Outside Today!

Magnus Deposits a White Load

Nemo Found Us!

Orko You Glad You’re Not Outside Today?2

Plato’s Cave Snowed In

As If On Q

Rocky VII Released Overnight

Saturn Brings a Snow-aturnalia

Don’t Even Triton Drive Today!

Is It Ever Ukko Out There!

Virgil Conquers All; Let Us Surrender to Snow

Houses Walda-ed In By Snow

Xerxes Strands 300

We Can’t Yogi Bear This Weather!

Snow-lar Zeus


1 No, that’s not a typo—Gandolf is a character from The Well at the World’s End which, unlike a certain other epic fantasy novel, is in the public domain. So no angry emails or comments about the spelling, please.

2 Orko is a thunder deity in ancient Basque mythology, and far too obscure to make coherent headlines with.

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