Excerpts From the Los Santos Police Blotter

October 8, 3:27 pm: A man commits triple vehicular homicide in a stolen automobile. Police pursue for two minutes before losing the suspect and declaring the case closed.

October 8, 3:33 pm: An illegal street race kills several bystanders and causes thousands of dollars of property damage. Police fail to catch the vehicles, note their license plate numbers or acquire descriptions of the drivers. No further action is taken.

October 8, 3:45 pm: A man is hospitalised after he drives off an overpass and lands on the road below, causing a seven car crash that seriously injures multiple people. During police questioning the man states that the accident was caused when he attempted to “ramp that shit.” No charges filed.

October 8, 4:13 pm: A man throws a driver out of his vehicle and backs over the driver’s neck and spine before exiting the vehicle and breaking into a luxury vehicle he spots in an adjacent parking lot. Eight bystanders witness the crime and provide police with a description of the suspect. Police do not investigate.

October 8, 5:02 pm: A man steals a military helicopter and lands it on a crowd of sex workers, injuring several. He then enters a strip club, where he knocks several bouncers and dancers unconscious before being thrown out. He returns to the helicopter and opens fire on the strip club, causing significant death and property damage. Three police helicopters are shot down while attempting to pursue, killing several officers and also causing multiple deaths at the crash sites. Several patrons and staff members of the strip club provide a detailed description of the suspect, which is collaborated by security camera footage. Police investigate for six and a half minutes before losing track of the stolen helicopter and giving up.

October 8, 5:41 pm: A man blocks three lanes of freeway traffic with a stolen freight truck. As traffic piles up he crashes several stolen cars into vehicles occupied by commuters and lands several stolen helicopters on the crashed cars. After roughly an hour of preparation, during which more and more vehicles, including several police cars, join the artificial gridlock, the man plants several bombs along the road. He then drives a motorcycle off a nearby ramp and over the wreckage while detonating the explosives. The bombs alight the gas tanks of the vehicles quicker than the man anticipated, creating a massive ball of flame and shrapnel that sends the man flying into a concrete overpass at high speed. Dozens of civilians are killed. The suspect is later released from hospital and police consider the matter closed.

October 8, 6:52 pm: A man accidentally bumps a police car with his motorcycle, causing minor damage to both vehicles. As per protocol, officers shoot the man dead.

October 8, 7:18 pm: A man employs legally owned handguns and shotguns as well as illegal automatic rifles, sniper rifles, grenades and rocket propelled grenade launchers to kill 23 gang members, 31 police officers and 12 civilians in a shootout. The neighbourhood in which the shootout occurs suffers hundreds of thousands of dollars of property damage. Four police cars are blown up as the suspect flees, killing eight more officers and three civilians. The suspect escapes by pulling into a garage and having his car painted a different shade of green. Hundreds of grieving family members urge the police to spare no expense in locating the psychopath behind the shooting and bringing him to justice. Either unable or unwilling to sort through the mountains of evidence and testimony, police close the case and begin their newest recruitment drive.

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