Somewhere Nobody Ever Thought Something Like This Could Happen (AP) – The FBI has reported that a crazy person murdered people with a gun today because he was crazy. Authorities have declined to release the shooter’s photo or biographical information, saying “none of that really matters because he was just such a total psycho.”
While several witnesses noted that the man appeared to be of a particular race, the authorities stress that whatever prejudices and stereotypes this race may encounter, along with any advantages or disadvantages race may have afforded the shooter in life, are largely irrelevant compared to the fact that he was nuttier than a peanut farm.
Reporters are investigating a possible political or religious motivation, and while the FBI admits that one may exist they emphasised that we shouldn’t pay any attention to it, and definitely shouldn’t use it to criticise people with the same beliefs as the shooter, because “when your brain is so diseased that you think it’s a good idea to walk into a public place and murder innocent people you’ve never met you sure as shit aren’t going to be an expert on complicated, nuanced issues.”
The FBI went on to state that there was likely a social factor to the shooting as well, suggesting that the gunman may have felt lonely or socially isolated. However, they also made it clear that these motivations would have been minor compared to the primary motivation of “having a damaged thought process that rendered the shooter incapable of making logical decisions, expressing empathy or recognising basic human morality.”
The FBI is asking the public to just once refrain from exploiting this tragedy by making sweeping generalisations about social ills, religious beliefs, hot button political issues or other personal crusades that no one else cares about. “And for God’s sake,” they added, “please don’t go online and do something completely fucking idiotic like ‘identify’ the wrong person as the shooter. Do you morons have any idea how irresponsible and damaging that is? You don’t, do you? Jesus Christ.”
As details of this sad event continue to become public, most of them irrelevant because the shooter probably thought communist spiders controlled by aliens were eating his bones so who the fuck cares what was on his Amazon wish list, the President is set to address the nation. Sources suggest that he will call upon the country to come together and mourn while avoiding topics of actual importance, like how people manage to ride the crazy train for years without being detected and helped, or how people who want to kill their fellow citizens are able to get their hands on firearms that are designed for the sole purpose of making living beings not live anymore. The President is expected to look very serious.
At press time, it was announced that several of the victims were children. An official on the scene said, “Well, you better prepare for even more self-righteous BS from everyone than usual. Yes, it sucks that kids died, but the main thing to take away from this is that the shooter was such a goddamn lunatic that attempting to rationally analyse his actions is a big old waste of time that will do nothing but divide us.” The official then stated that we can expect people to be sad, argue for a few days, blame video games or whatever, and then forget about the whole thing until the next crazy person goes on a shooting spree a few weeks from now.