An Excerpt From an Episode of Scooby Doo, Where Are You! Written by Friedrich Nietzsche

FREDDY

At last, gang, we have captured the Miner Forty-Niner. At last we shall learn the truth behind the haunted mine.

VELMA

I can’t believe our elaborate system of mirrors, ropes, pulleys, smoke machines, tripwires and slide whistles was able to trap the Miner in the depression of existential darkness!

FREDDY

Never doubt victory, Velma. No victor believes in chance. Shaggy, do the honours, please. Remove the mask, pull back the curtain, for truth reveals its highest wisdom in the guise of simplicity, and what is simpler than an obviously fake old-timey moustache, except maybe those crummy mummy bandages from a few weeks ago?

Shaggy removes the mask of the Miner.

SHAGGY

Zoinks! It’s, like, me!

FREDDY

Do you see yourself in this monster, Shaggy? For I see myself.

VELMA

Jinkies! And I see me! What do you see, Scooby?

SCOOBY

Wow! It’s re! Rooby Roo!

VELMA

But how? I thought for sure it would be Old Man Jenkins!

FREDDY

It is as I have long feared. We have spent so long catching monsters that we ourselves have become monsters. We gaze into the face of the Miner Forty-Niner and see only the Miner Forty-Niners inside of us.

VELMA

Jeepers! But I’m no monster!

MINER FORTY-NINER

But is not man the cruellest animal, the greatest monster of all?

SCOOBY

What about re? Rooby Roo?

MINER FORTY-NINER

You’re alright, I guess.

FREDDY

I’m afraid he speaks true. There are monsters inside us. Have you never once wanted to take the side of the demon, the wolfman, the angry lumberjack ghost or whatever that one guy was? Have you never wanted to profit from people’s ignorance and fear, from the hidden treasures and unknown oil wells that dot their derelict lands? From their oddly specific blindness to acrobatic harnesses and high wires?

VELMA

Is that what’s in this mine? Treasure?

FREDDY

This mine contains ignorance, the lies we tell ourselves and the truths about us which we dare not know!

MINER FORTY-NINER

And gold.

FREDDY

Yes, and that! Tell us where the gold is!

MINER FORTY-NINER

Wouldn’t you rather know where Daphne is?

FREDDY

Foul monster! What have you done with our fair Daphne? Release her at once, for like all women she is delicate and fragile and savage. Except Velma, who is nerdy and kind of mannish.

VELMA

Jeepers!

MINER FORTY-NINER

Fool! I have trapped Daphne deep in my darkest pit!

FREDDY

Alas! Daphne is lost to the dark pit above which all humans dangle from a precious tightrope! For deep in that pit is nothing but fear and dread, fear and dread of that most terrible thing--a natural death after a live poorly lived!

SHAGGY

Like, how do we save her?

FREDDY

We have no choice. We must burn ourselves in our own flames, for how can we rise anew if we do not first become ashes?

VELMA

You’re saying you want to go get high in the Mystery Machine, right?

FREDDY

Yes.

SHAGGY

I’ll get the Scooby snacks!

SCOOBY

Rooby Snacks? Rooby Rooby Roo!

Scooby knocks Shaggy to the ground in his haste to reach the Scooby snacks, creating an amusing sound effect. Cue laugh track and existential despair.

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