Monthly Archives: August 2013

Highbrow Porn Parodies

King Leer

Gropes of Wrath

Nineteen Eighty-Whores

The Scarlet French Letter

Girl with a Pearl Necklace

Catch Her in the Rye

Our Mutual Friend with Benefits

The Warden of the Womb

Frank in Stein

Nibelungenlaid

War and Penis

Peterson Field Guide to Internet Commenters

Internet Commenters are a loud and opinionated species. While far fewer in number than the Lurker, their boisterousness leads many amateurs to mistakenly conclude that they are the most populous of the online fauna. Often irrationally angry and aggressive even at the best of times, many breeds of Internet Commenter are especially hostile towards the Content Creator. Caution is advised when observing. Food: soft drinks, Cheetos and pizza pockets. Range: Worldwide.

Common Youtube Troll

Even the least dedicated hobbyist will spot the Youtube Troll on a daily basis. While they are mostly solitary creatures that will lash out at their fellows as often as other species, Trolls will occasionally band together to attack a particularly dangerous or enticing target. Among the most combative of all Internet Commenters, Trolls will bombard their foes with capitalised messages questioning their sexuality or encouraging them to commit suicide. Interaction with Trolls has been known to cause feeling of depression and despair regarding the state of modern discourse. Otherwise known as flamers or dickwads. Voice: Loud, guttural and primitive, the one commonality of their wide-ranging calls is their grammatical inferiority. Examples of common cries include FAAAAAGG!!!!11, go die in a fire u tard and, when mating, nice tits bitch. Habitat: Found across Youtube, but particularly prevalent in videos of a religious or political nature, videos on the topic of feminism, and Justin Bieber music videos.

Angry Old Republican

The Angry Old Republican, while often compared to the Whining Sanctimonious Liberal, has several unique characteristics. Sometimes mistaken for Youtube Trolls due to their tendency to communicate in capital letters and eschew the basics of grammar, their poor communication skills can in part be attributed to their unfamiliarity with their environment. Their advanced age makes them ill-suited for life on the Internet, but the Angry Old Republican nevertheless insists on maintaining its habitat. While more social than the Internet Troll, they can be quick to turn on what they perceive as “RINOs,” or Angry Old Republicans who are insufficiently zealous. The Angry Old Republican spends its days trying to convince other breeds of Internet Commenters that the Obama administration is planning to turn America over to radical Islamists and put everyone in concentration camps. This has made them a popular source of amusement for observers. Voice: The Angry Old Republican’s cry changes based on the news of the day. Today’s OBAMACARE IS MURDER will become tomorrow’s Investigate Benghazi!!!. During slower news cycles, the Angry Old Republican will revert to timeless calls such as Impeach Obummer!1! and KEEP YOUR COMMIE HANDS OF MY GUNS OBOZO. Habitat: While most Angry Old Republicans spend their days at FOX News or CNN, others will travel as far as MSNBC or Salon to spread their cries before returning to Free Republic to roost.

Meme Mockingbird

The Meme Mockingbird earns its name from its ceaseless repetition of the passing fads of the day. Hobbyists fiercely debate the Mockingbird’s intelligence—some argue that its parroting of popular images and phrases suggests a unique form of language, while others believe it is merely an automatic response indicative of a lack of higher brain functions. Either way the Meme Mockingbird is a rapid adapter, as those that fall behind the curve and communicate with outdated memes are insulted or shunned by their peers. Unlike most Internet Commenters, the Mockingbird is not inherently hostile; rather, their emotional state is dictated by the fad they are currently echoing. This emotional instability, along with the general incoherentness of their communication, makes the Meme Mockingbird one of the most enigmatic—and at times frustrating—Internet Commenters. Voice: To amateurs, the cries of the Meme Mockingbird are seemingly random. With study and experience one can learn why the Mockingbird uses non-sequiturs like YOLO SWAG!! and images of cats, though even veteran observers can be flummoxed by this erratic creature. Habitat: While native to 4chan, the ubiquitous Meme Mockingbirds can be found everywhere from social networks to pornographic websites. Some sites view the Mockingbird as a pest and have attempted to exterminate it, but these efforts have had minimal effect.

Greater Facebook Sharer

Unlike the harmless Lesser Facebook Sharer, which is content to share pictures of itself at the beach and recipes for the latest vegan dishes they’re trying, the Greater Facebook Sharer will spread conspiracy theories, false news reports and general disinformation. While their intentions vary from well meaning ignorance to aggressive proselytisation of fringe views, their shared content is equally infuriating to other Internet denizens. This parasitic species spreads its content by tricking other breeds into following their example, either by convincing them of the validity of their false claims or by guilting them into sharing emotionally manipulative content. In an unusual reproductive process, creatures that are particularly vulnerable to the parasite’s attacks will eventually turn into a Greater Facebook Sharer themselves. Voice: while the overall message of Greater Facebook Sharers can vary wildly, their cries share common beginnings. Have you guys heard about this?? Something to think about!; WAKE UP SHEEPLE and I can’t believe how dangerous this is! BE CAREFUL EVERYONE! and variants thereof are among the most prevalent examples. In full, a cry might sound like Did you guys see this new study that proves fluoride is toxic?! I’m drinking bottled water from now on and I hope you do too!!!. Habitat: Despite the name, the Greater Facebook Sharer can be found not only on Facebook, but also Twitter, G+, Tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest and even MySpace. The type of content they share varies by region, though some topics, such as sensational but inaccurate news reports, are universal.

A Message From Thomas Jefferson

My Fellow Americans,

Thomas Jefferson here. Founding Father, third President of the United States and all that jazz. So, what’s up? That’s what you guys are saying nowadays, right? Is that what’s “cool”? Is it still cool to say cool? Sorry, I’m getting off topic here.

I just wanted to pop in and ask everyone for a teensy favour. Could you fine people please stop quoting me in, like, every debate on guns and the Second Amendment? Because if you could stop, that would be just swell.

I get that guns are a controversial and emotional issue. Were I not, you know, dead, I’d probably be penning some pretty strong opinions on the topic myself! But as I’ve been deceased for coming up on two centuries now my thoughts on the subject really aren’t pertinent, and you should probably stop trying to shove my quotes down the throats of people who disagree with you in lieu of actual opinions and facts. Let me explain why.

For starters, that quote you’re ascribing to me? I probably never said it! Yeah, misattribution is a big problem for me—I get credit for more quotes I shouldn’t than poor old Mark Twain. Here’s an example:

When governments fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.

Wow. Pretty stirring stuff. I wish I could take credit for that! But nope, never said it. Same with this one:

 The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.

I’ve been seeing that quote a lot. Snappy, right? But totally not me. It doesn’t even sound like me. I mean, come on guys, have you even read my writing? Like, maybe this little thing called the Declaration of Independence? It’s elaborate and flowery and written like I was living in the late 18th, early 19th centuries. You know, because I was. These quotes totally read like pithy 21st century style over substance sound bites meant to sound deep on the Internet.

Which is ironic, because it should only take you about five seconds of research to spot the fakes. Seriously, you have the Internet! That shit’s so cool! So use it to call people out when they’re posting these quotes, okay? You’ll help stop the spread of misinformation, and look smart. Win-win, y’all.

Now, ol’ Jazzy Jeff here bets he knows what you’re going to say next. “But Mr. Jefferson, even if you didn’t use those exact words, don’t they capture your feelings on the subject?” Well friends, I’m afraid my opinions on firearms are complicated, and can’t be accurately summed up in a comment on a news article. What can I say? I like to consider the merits of both sides of a debate. Just ask my slaves!

More importantly, why do you guys even care so much? Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that you take my words so seriously. But I died in 1826—the world was a little different back then. Lots of folks claim that if I was alive today I’d take their side in the gun debate, but I’d probably be too busy having my mind blown by fighter jets to participate. You know we were still using muskets in my day, right?

This whole gun problem you got going on right now is tough, no doubt about that, and I wish you all the best with it. My only advice is to maybe try forming your own opinions instead of mindlessly parroting the false thoughts of a man you’ve deified to a dangerous degree (again though, I’m super flattered!). Times and laws change, so put things in a modern perspective and make Tommy proud.

Anyway, I gotta run—James and I are going to go grab some drinks at Sam’s place. I’ll leave you with what I understand is the traditional parting expression of goodwill in modern America.

YOLO,
Thomas Jefferson