Monthly Archives: October 2012

Old-Timey Horror Story Clichés

The characters are stranded in the middle of nowhere when the horse pulling their carriage dies.

Two characters are killed while fornicating, because carnal knowledge out of wedlock is an affront to God.

The heroine gives birth to a child fathered by a non-white.

The killer catches a woman who trips over her long dress after her tight corset hinders her breathing.

The characters are ensnared by the secretive cult of Protestantism.

A virus turns people into peasants.

WE HAVE TRACED THE SOURCE OF THE TELEGRAMS STOP THEY ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE STOP

Excerpts From my Screenplay For Smiley 2: I Can Haz Murder?

Smiley is a horror movie about a killer that’s summoned when someone types “I did it for the lulz” in a chat three times. It’s only a matter of time before this modern horror masterpiece receives a sequel, and I want to get in on it. Here are some select scenes from my proposed screenplay.

INT. DORM ROOM

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and her SLUTTY ROOMMATE are on their COMPUTERS, doing COMPUTER STUFF.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Hey, have you heard about this Internet thing?

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Duh, I’ve been Instagramming my friends’ Facebooks for years. Where have you been?

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Oh emm gee, don’t troll me! I’ve been redditing plenty of Webnetsites!

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Whatever, noob. I bet you haven’t even posted nudes on 4chan.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Ew, no. I’ve been looking at lolcats.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Oh noes, haven’t you read the creepypasta? If you email three lolcats to someone’s chat wall, a lolcat shows up in their house and lulz them... to death!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Gee tee eff oh, that sounds so fake.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Whatevs, it’s your funeral. Anyway, I’m going to go sext my cyberboyfriend. Tee tee why ell!

INT. HOUSE

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and SLUTTY ROOMMATE arrive at a 4CHAN PARTY. It’s like a regular party, but STUPID. Every guy there has a TRENCHCOAT and a BAD HAIRCUT, and is either OBESE or SKELETAL. They are immediately approached by DUDE GUY, whose haircut is ESPECIALLY BAD.

DUDE GUY

Alright, girls! I haven’t seen one of those in years! Welcome to the par-tay! 4chan, b, YouTube, whoo!

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Yeah, let’s get wild! Where’s the vodka, weed and MySpace?

DUDE GUY

Vodka and weed’s for lamers. We’re making fun of the families of suicide victims on the Webtubes, that’s what cool people do!

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Lulz! I can’t wait to Friendster them!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

That sounds mean.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Ugh, lighten up! Don’t make me look bad in front of the Internet!

A BRONY joins the conversation. He’s wearing a RAINBOW DASH HOODY, and looks TREMENDOUSLY CREEPY.

BRONY

Excuse me, did I hear there was going to be some trolling? That goes against everything the proud ponies of Equestria stand for! Let’s just read each other our MLP fanfics, okay?

DUDE GUY

No way, gaywad. Everyone knows that real men write fics for loli animes.

BRONY

Maybe that’s what a colt like you believes, but a mature stallion like myself knows better!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD, sensing a painfully nerdy argument approaching, intervenes.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

I’d like to hear your fanfic. It sounds way more fun than trolling with this troll here.

BRONY

Oh, it is! Come, my beautiful mare. Let us leave this parasprite to his foul business.

DUDE GUY

Hey, you two better watch what you chat about me!

INT. HOUSE BEDROOM

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and BRONY are LAPTOPING on BRONY’S LAPTOP.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Well, uh, your pony story certainly had a lot more dildos than I expected.

BRONY

Thanks!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD notices that BRONY has an ERECTION. She BACKS AWAY.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Hey look, people are leaving comment posts! Oh, but they’re not very nice...

BRONY

Oh horseapples, they’re from 4chan. I bet this is the work of that pony hater downstairs. Well, nobody besmirches my fanfics and gets away with it!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

Don’t let those Negative Net Nancies get to you. Want to look at some lolcats? That always calms me down.

BRONY

Lolcats? Good thinking! I’m going to Twitter three lolcats to that guy’s Google!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

You don’t actually believe that ridiculous story, do you?

BRONY

Oh, it’s no story. Just Ask Jeeves.

INT. HOUSE BATHROOM

DUDE GUY is washing his hands when his PHONE makes PHONE NOISES. He takes it out to CHECK HIS INTERNET, and sees that THREE LOLCATS have been TWITTERED to his GOOGLE.

DUDE GUY

What the? Ugh, somebody’s memeing me with that lame fad.

We hear a MEOW. DUDE GUY is startled, then sees that his CAT is in the bathroom. He pets it.

DUDE GUY

You scared me, Meowth!

DUDE GUY checks his BAD HAIR in the mirror. We hear a different MEOW, but DUDE GUY doesn’t realise that it came from a SECOND CAT. We watch, reflected in the mirror, as that cat LEAPS at DUDE GUY’S NECK. We see a look of TERROR from DUDE GUY before BLOOD splashes all over the mirror.

INT. DORM ROOM

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and SLUTTY ROOMMATE are arguing. The power is out; the only source of light is from their LAPTOPS, which are running on BATTERIES or DIESEL GENERATORS or MAGIC or whatever laptops get their power from.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

I warned you to stop looking at lolcats, but you didn’t listen! And now everyone’s dead! The lolcats lulzed them!

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

It wasn’t me, I swear! It’s that crazy Brony! He’s killing anyone who made fun of his fanfiction!

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Yeah right, like a grown man would ever take My Little Pony that seriously! This is all your fault, and if you won’t stop the lulz, then I’LL stop YOUR lulz!

SLUTTY ROOMMATE approaches GENERIC FEMALE LEAD with MURDEROUS INTENT, but abruptly stops. She looks down and POINTS at the floor in FEAR.

GENERIC FEMALE LEAD

What, what is it?

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Ki... ki... kitty litter.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE’S LAPTOP starts DIGGING STEAM, or WHATEVER. The two girls watch in horror as a lolcat appears on the screen, followed by another. Then another.

SLUTTY ROOMMATE

Oh. Emm. Gee.

We hear a familiar MEOW. The laptops shut off, leaving the room PITCH DARK. SLUTTY ROOMMATE SCREAMS, then goes SILENT. For a few moments, we can only hear GENERIC FEMALE LEAD’S RAGGED BREATHING. Then we hear a cat PURRING.

Headlines Journalists Will Use Now That Snowstorms Have Been Given Official Names

Snowstorms now have an official nomenclature, similar to how cyclones are named. It is therefore inevitable that the media will produce dreadful headlines when these storms hit. If any of the following are used, I vow to pelt the offending journalist with snowballs until they apologise.

This Athena’s No Beauty!

Et Tu, Brutus?

Snow Caesar!

Draco Wizards Up a Storm!

Euclid Creates non-Euclidean Roads

Let’s Hope For Less Freyr Weather!

Gandolf to Commuters: You Shall Not Pass!1

Helen: The Storm That Launched a Thousand Traffic Accidents

Iago Demands you Shovel

By Jove!

The Wrath of Khan

You’d Have to be a Luna-tic to Go Outside Today!

Magnus Deposits a White Load

Nemo Found Us!

Orko You Glad You’re Not Outside Today?2

Plato’s Cave Snowed In

As If On Q

Rocky VII Released Overnight

Saturn Brings a Snow-aturnalia

Don’t Even Triton Drive Today!

Is It Ever Ukko Out There!

Virgil Conquers All; Let Us Surrender to Snow

Houses Walda-ed In By Snow

Xerxes Strands 300

We Can’t Yogi Bear This Weather!

Snow-lar Zeus


1 No, that’s not a typo—Gandolf is a character from The Well at the World’s End which, unlike a certain other epic fantasy novel, is in the public domain. So no angry emails or comments about the spelling, please.

2 Orko is a thunder deity in ancient Basque mythology, and far too obscure to make coherent headlines with.