Month: October 2012

  • Old-Timey Horror Story Clichés

    The characters are stranded in the middle of nowhere when the horse pulling their carriage dies. Two characters are killed while fornicating, because carnal knowledge out of wedlock is an affront to God. The heroine gives birth to a child fathered by a non-white. The killer catches a woman who trips over her long dress…

  • Tips for Picking Up Girls

    Wear comfortable clothing. Get a firm grip. Lift with your legs. Keep your upper body straight. Consult a doctor if you feel pain.

  • Excerpts From my Screenplay For Smiley 2: I Can Haz Murder?

    Smiley is a horror movie about a killer that’s summoned when someone types “I did it for the lulz” in a chat three times. It’s only a matter of time before this modern horror masterpiece receives a sequel, and I want to get in on it. Here are some select scenes from my proposed screenplay.…

  • North Korean Masturbation Euphemisms

    Re-educating the dissident Praising your Dear Leader Subsisting without aid Bombarding the South Unilaterally unifying Crossing the DMZ Engaging in one-party talks

  • Headlines Journalists Will Use Now That Snowstorms Have Been Given Official Names

    Snowstorms now have an official nomenclature, similar to how cyclones are named. It is therefore inevitable that the media will produce dreadful headlines when these storms hit. If any of the following are used, I vow to pelt the offending journalist with snowballs until they apologise. This Athena’s No Beauty! Et Tu, Brutus? Snow Caesar!…